Detachment

Detaching from an alcoholic/addict spouse is not easy. First of all, you are legally bound together. If there are children, the complications multiply tenfold. In my previous marriage, my fantasies of detachment usually went something like this: I said "til death do us part", so someone has to die, and it's not going to be me. The logical conclusion to this was murder. Thankfully, I never followed this line of reasoning to it's disastrous conclusion. I used to fantasize about the many ways he might die. A fiery automobile crash on a dark night. A short but painful illness. You get the picture. This was not very smart on my part since he had no life insurance and I would have been left with four children and no visible means of earning a living. I was complaining about him at an Al-Anon meeting early in my recovery. I said "he doesn't eat right, he drinks and smokes too much, how long can he possibly live?" A wise woman said "A long fucking time." Obviously I needed more meetings. When finally pushed to my limits, divorce was the only course of action that I was willing to take. I detached, but not with love. I detached with resentment, anger and malice.

Detaching from friends has been less problematic. I can listen to their trials and tribulations without feeling like I have to solve anything. I am able to offer support and loving suggestions, and not take it personally if they continue to make the same mistakes over and over again. If I do want to separate from a friend due to irreconcilable differences, I just don't answer the phone or return calls. Eventually the offending party stops calling and I am able to avoid confronting the issue head on. My alternate method of detaching from a friend or acquaintance is to emotionally distance myself. I have perfected several ways of accomplishing this. I don't really listen when they talk to me, don't make much eye contact, forget birthdays, make excuses about why I can't spend time with them, and more. Indifference seems to be the operative word in these situations.

The real paradox for me is this: The more I love someone, the less able I am to "detach with love". I love my children more than life itself. They are the most amazing people. Smart, funny, interesting. I want so badly for everything to be good and healthy and joyous for them. When they struggle with serious life issues, i.e. addiction, I become very afraid, which makes me feel powerless, then I become angry, which makes me feel powerful. My anger seems like a tool to force change. It never works, of course. My anger only alienates those that I love and erects an impenetrable wall between us. When I can stop myself from reacting with anger, when I can detach from the problem, not take it personally, I am able to lovingly listen and offer support. I always want to offer answers when what I really need to do is ask what they think their options are. Respect and loving detachment are amazing tools for healthy relationships. Why do I so frequently forget that?