Childhood

Growing up with parents who were emotionally unavailable due to separation, drinking, depression, whatever, taught me that I was not important enough to warrant their attention. If only I was a better little girl, a better student, a better sister, maybe I would be worthy. Alas, nothing I did made an impression until as a teenager I began to act out in ways that they deemed inappropriate. A little sex at an early age sure can get a parents attention. And how about skipping school and a few illegal drugs? Boy, that will get a rise out of them!
I came away from my childhood with an unconscious knowledge that I had to act in ways that were a little left of the acceptable norm to be noticed. I am not sure to this day if my radical tendencies are a true part of my inborn nature, or a tragic attempt to be noticed. My search for serenity and recovery requires me to get to the root of my motives. A wise woman told me recently that it is possible to hide a bad motive under a good one.