Survivor

My beautiful daughter Erin
Cancer Fighter Extraordinaire

My daughter and I attended Relay for life yesterday, an American Cancer Society event. A friend and her team were walking in memory of her husband who recently died from lymphoma. "Team Robert - Crashing for a Cure" was the name of their team. They had a race car theme with checkered flags, a pit stop area, bounce house and games for the kids. A "survivor lap" begins the relay. Cancer survivors lead the first lap around the track. As my daughter and I started walking, with my granddaughter between us holding our hands and my grandson walking along with us, I started to cry. I cried the whole way around that track. Not just a few tears silently running down my cheeks, either. I was practically sobbing. I thought about those who have not survived, and those who may not survive the bastard disease. And I thought about what it means to be a survivor.

There I was with one last radiation treatment to go before finishing my long ordeal. I have allowed myself to be carved up, poisoned and burned with the hope that I will live cancer free. I will now begin treatment for five years with a hormone suppressant drug that may cause more unpleasant side effects. I am assuming that I don't have cancer anymore, that the surgeries and chemotherapy and radiation have eliminated every last cancer cell in my body. There is no way to be sure, though. There is no scan or blood test to be taken, only the daily awareness of any changes or symptoms that might indicate that it has returned.

I have lost many loved ones to cancer. My daughter has cancer and will have for the rest of her life. I had cancer, and hopefully now I don't. My daughter does not like it when someone makes a statement such as "she lost her battle with cancer." Like that person wasn't smart enough or didn't fight hard enough or just plain gave up. I agree. Most of us do everything that we can to stay alive. We cross the street when the signal says "walk." We eat our vegetables. We take our medicine. Sooner or later no more can be done and death will take us all one way or another. So what exactly does it mean to be a cancer survivor?

I guess it is different for everyone. For me, just at the beginning of my survivorship, it means never taking one minute for granted. It means caring for my physical and emotional health in a whole new way. It means loving my family and friends more deeply. Cancer has changed me. I have no patience for petty bullshit. I have narrowed my focus from the multitude of things that I used to pursue. My priorities have changed.

Surviving means more than just being alive, more than taking whatever the medical professionals recommend even when you are nearly dead from the treatments. It means being true to yourself and living fully til the very last minute.

I am a survivor.