Sarcoma

Sarcoma - is there an uglier word in the English language? If there is I don't ever want to hear it in reference to anyone I love. Synovial Cell Sarcoma has invaded my family and I just want to go somewhere and scream at the top of my lungs. The doctors talk about treatment options that sound worse than the disease. They sit in their white coats and calmly use phrases like "quality of life" and "life ending illness". My heart is aching so badly I can barely speak. The doctors leave the room and I put my arms around my daughter, hugging her so tightly, never wanting to let go.

We try to plan for the coming months of chemotherapy that they say will be so debilitating that she will not be able to work or care for her children. We try to figure out what to say to a twelve year old who has only one parent as it is. We sit in silence and cry, and cry, and cry.

I wake up in the morning and for one fraction of a second I forget, and then it all rushes back in, this nightmare that I can't wake up from. People say that you don't get more than you can handle and I say bullshit to that. If I believed in a god who is in control of our life events I would hate the mother fucker. I want to dig a hole, crawl in and pull the dirt in over me.